Today, went down to Mom and Dad's for Mother's Day, and for a gift for Mom, my sister and niece had opted to help clean out my old bedroom (there's still stuff of mine down there, but also stuff of Mom's that's in the room).
So, figured I should help, and make that Mother's Day as well...and, it was a little weird. I've got a LOT of stuff that I haven't moved yet...we haven't really got the room to put it all here..not without me getting..at least three more bookshelves about the size of my BIG bookshelf. Having scavenged a smaller bookshelf from people who were moving, I finally found room to put some of my comic trade paperbacks up...
Still, going through old photos, like Vegas, and my senior pics..and books (Stephen Kings have still not made it up), I just was reminded why I don't go through a lot of that.
Memories are good..memories of good times with friends are also good. However, there's a lot of...just simple angst with so much of that. Friends who thought I could solve their life problems, without realizing that I had my own drama and chaos to deal with. My own issues, or subscriptions, as the case may be. And people in the past who hold me responsible for things both of my own fault, and not of my own.
I've gone through here before, ranting, and raving, about not being responsible for anyone but myself. That the people who have been pissed at me before, were really pissed because I wouldn't magically make their problems go away, or that I couldn't just wave my hands, and be someone for them that they needed...never minding that I am me. Flaws, fuck ups, and all. No, I don't make mistakes every waking minute, but like every other person I know, I make them. Not all the time, maybe not even half the time, but often enough that people really shouldn't count on ME to fix their lives, if I were even wanting to.
Because, I subscribe to the Reverend Scott philosophy...and if you don't know that one, I highly recommend you watch the 70s version of "The Poseidon Adventure", and pay CLOSE attention to Gene Hackman's character.
Because, really..it doesn't matter that you attempt something and fail. That has happened/is happening, will happen to all of us. What matters is that you FUCKING TRY. Yeah, things may not go as you hope, or plan..but, you have to become the instrument of change in your own life..you have to be actively involved in your own salvation/restoration/whatever you wish to call it. Sitting back and bitching will make you feel a little better in the meantime, but it does dick all to fix the problem. And really, if you aren't trying to fix the problem, what ARE you trying to do? Hope it magically goes away? Holding out for a Hero? (Yes, I do movie references...deal)
Several years ago, I didn't like my life a whole lot..I liked pieces of it, but I really was just coasting through it. Sometimes, I fear I'm still doing the same. The way I think I'm not? Is by getting a VERY expensive piece of paper. I have no real idea if there is something for me out there, with my career goals, and my hopes for the future. And, it could all come crashing down. I mean, if the last career I tried failed to work out, why shouldn't anything I do in the future, right?
Psych class, over a year ago, had a term for that. Learned helplessness. And it's one of the biggest pains to deal with. People conditioned to think that "This is the best it can get", or always looking for how it can turn bad.
Yeah, what I'm doing may not work out. But if it doesn't, I'll adapt...I'll change my plan, somehow. I'll keep living to what I've been calling Parkour Mentis, and maybe stumble along the way, but not stop trying at least.
So far, scholastically, I've not failed a single course. Not even Statistics, which had me worried as hell this last semester. I'm looking at having attained a Certificate in my major, and a Bachelors Degree, within 4 and a half years, but truly, within 4...as my first semester was one class, while I was trying to figure out how to keep my life going...a life I really didn't want to see fall away. But, it did. And I rebuilt. Much like the core of humanity...you knock me down, I try to build up stronger. Do it again, and we'll both be repeating til eternity.
I guess, the point of this LONG entry...is don't give up. Don't let "them" win..and by them, I mean everyone who has given up on life..who think that life happens TO them, instead of life being what you make of it. And always, always realize that, if life sucks? You can change it. Yeah, it's big, and it's fucking scary as hell, but what is the alternative? Packing it in, and giving up? Constantly being one of those people who bitches about their life, but never does anything about it?
:-) Go for it...Fly. We all can do it...yeah, you may singe your wings when you get too close to the sun..but, at least make the effort. I guarantee..if you singe your wings, and fall a bit, you'll have someone to help you slow the descent...and figure where to go from there.
Just don't expect them to be there, or stick around, if you aren't willing to do the work yourself.
Enough meanderings for now...enjoy, and I'll be back, sometime.