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Initially, I have this private, but decided to make it public...
Ok...so, I have this whole other weblog going...and, in it is usually where I get maudlin, depressed, down, insane, and any number of other things.
I have a good memory...and an uncanny flashback sense that I can repress with great ease, but I usually have to know that I need to keep it in check.
I'm checking out a friends weblog today, and a few keywords (including a name I haven't thought of in years) triggers me...I suddenly have a hard flash to when *I* wanted to harm this person referenced...
I should start a little closer to the beginning, so you all aren't totally lost. A few know the story, a few have read my mentions of this on my Weblog...as that is my ranting and raving place, that usually works out best...
YEARS Ago, I had a best friend, who got fucked up at a concert, went into a coma, never really came out of it, and is to this day, alive, but not him. Best way to describe it in a nutshell...during all the chaos, the friends of this guy had to band together, in order to survive the chaos...the family singled 2 people out to not be allowed to visit anymore, because they were not "good christian influences"...the girl I'm referencing above, and myself. THeir main proof was the word of another friend, whom at one point I wished horrible, vile things would happen to. This fellow had actually said that we didn't believe in God, we were known as Role-Players of that horrid Dungeons and Dragons game, and worst of all at the time (this was 94, so bear that in mind), we played a relatively new, demonic game called Magic The Gathering.
Until she mentioned him in her weblog, I hadn't thought of him in a good several years...and, upon reading the name, found myself flashed back yet again...It's funny...I've gotten to where I can mention my friends name (Randy) and not have a really bad, hard flashback..I can tell stories, and not break down anymore...but, hearing this peripherals name started the heart pounding, and the evil thoughts a flowing...unto which I start feeling bad, as I feel I should be past a good majority of harmful thoughts towards others...
Ang (my friend who brought the name up) said she wonders about this fellows hell...and whether he is in it or not...so, being the ever curious web freak that I am, I started looking around the web for mention...and, believe I found it in one of the least likely places.
If the person I found is the "betrayer" of sorts, and also someone I graduated with, then that means he is currently a teacher of special education at my former high school. Which, again, puts my emotional state into a tizzy...wow, there's a word I never thought I'd use. I still feel a VERY intense hatred...but, if he's trying to help the disabled, then where exactly does that put my anger? Why does it seem I can never let my life be simple or easy? And, the bigger question, do i somehow seek out ways to make my life more complex than it needs to be? You'd think, after 9 years, that a lot of this wouldn't faze me at all, and then I find myself going backwards...tho, in all honesty, it's not going backwards..I can NEVER be as bad as I was that first year...or even the first five years...
I have a good memory...and an uncanny flashback sense that I can repress with great ease, but I usually have to know that I need to keep it in check.
I'm checking out a friends weblog today, and a few keywords (including a name I haven't thought of in years) triggers me...I suddenly have a hard flash to when *I* wanted to harm this person referenced...
I should start a little closer to the beginning, so you all aren't totally lost. A few know the story, a few have read my mentions of this on my Weblog...as that is my ranting and raving place, that usually works out best...
YEARS Ago, I had a best friend, who got fucked up at a concert, went into a coma, never really came out of it, and is to this day, alive, but not him. Best way to describe it in a nutshell...during all the chaos, the friends of this guy had to band together, in order to survive the chaos...the family singled 2 people out to not be allowed to visit anymore, because they were not "good christian influences"...the girl I'm referencing above, and myself. THeir main proof was the word of another friend, whom at one point I wished horrible, vile things would happen to. This fellow had actually said that we didn't believe in God, we were known as Role-Players of that horrid Dungeons and Dragons game, and worst of all at the time (this was 94, so bear that in mind), we played a relatively new, demonic game called Magic The Gathering.
Until she mentioned him in her weblog, I hadn't thought of him in a good several years...and, upon reading the name, found myself flashed back yet again...It's funny...I've gotten to where I can mention my friends name (Randy) and not have a really bad, hard flashback..I can tell stories, and not break down anymore...but, hearing this peripherals name started the heart pounding, and the evil thoughts a flowing...unto which I start feeling bad, as I feel I should be past a good majority of harmful thoughts towards others...
Ang (my friend who brought the name up) said she wonders about this fellows hell...and whether he is in it or not...so, being the ever curious web freak that I am, I started looking around the web for mention...and, believe I found it in one of the least likely places.
If the person I found is the "betrayer" of sorts, and also someone I graduated with, then that means he is currently a teacher of special education at my former high school. Which, again, puts my emotional state into a tizzy...wow, there's a word I never thought I'd use. I still feel a VERY intense hatred...but, if he's trying to help the disabled, then where exactly does that put my anger? Why does it seem I can never let my life be simple or easy? And, the bigger question, do i somehow seek out ways to make my life more complex than it needs to be? You'd think, after 9 years, that a lot of this wouldn't faze me at all, and then I find myself going backwards...tho, in all honesty, it's not going backwards..I can NEVER be as bad as I was that first year...or even the first five years...
no subject
I don't think you should be too hard on yourself for those bad feelings against this guy. There are some things that you can never quite expect to be able to put behind you. I remember the way Terran sounds when he talks about his stepbrother taking his father's only copy of his (completed, but not defended) disseration and throwing it in a lake. Time may pass, but some injuries done to yourself or your loved ones never truly fade.
But, speaking as a Christian myself, I hope you keep in mind that forgiveness is for YOU, not for him. Your anger toward him means that, in some indirect way, he can still hurt you. Forgiveness can be a release of that pain. But I, for one, would never hold it against you if you can't completely forgive.
As for the fact that the guy went into Special Ed, I think can respect that decision without it somehow making what he did to you and Ang OK. It doesn't undo the damage he did, and I don't know that this -- or anything -- could ever make up for it.
no subject
No, you don't have to forgive him, and maybe he is trying to make up for it by doing what he is doing now- but I doubt it- I think the best thing you can do is either let go of it and him or confront him and find out *why* he did what he did to you and Ang. You know if you need to talk....
no subject
no subject
(Anonymous) 2003-08-11 07:44 am (UTC)(link)I wanted to let you know that Mike was an education major prior to everything. After it happened though he became a special ed major in order "to make it up to Randy" he said. Personally, I think that's a pretty crappy reason to go into a demanding and special field. He did work at the same group home as randy, but from what I heard it was only because Randy was still there and he didn't like it much. Again, with motives resulting from misplac4ed loyalty or >guilt< and moving into a field he already isn't too comfortable with, I wouldn't personally give him ANY points of any kind for working in special ed.
Also, though, I know I'll probably never forget, and it would take and something beyond extraordinary for me to ever forgive. But, I think I am managing to deal with it and not feel that "must destroy" urge when I think of him. Mostly because I think he's in hell or will be in it eventually...not that I believe in hell but he does, that's the lovely thing about it...
ang