Don't know what to expect...
Aug. 13th, 2007 01:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
per_soloI really don't know what to expect this year at Gencon.
I know that I'll have fun, I know it'll be a good time. I already know that I've set things up for it to be much better, mentally and every other way, than the last few.
But, as I lay awake, in this dark room, the thoughts swirl, as my brain will not allow me to sleep.
3 years ago, Gencon, I let someone back in that I swore I wouldn't. I had faith, delusional as it was, that people can change. And, that came around to bite me, opened several doors and doubts that I wasn't prepared to deal with at the time. One eventual former friend, much later, told me that she didn't know how I could deal with the karmic debt overload I'd incurred, partly from that, and partly from a few years worth of insanity later. Now, if I could have seen that the karmic comments were her own form of manipulating me, things might have been a little different. Then again, maybe not. It's mostly moot now.
2 years ago, Gencon, I had just been laid off of a job I'd been at for almost 6 years. I really don't remember 2005 Gencon that well at all. Pieces of it come back to me, mainly, the partial optimism I had, but really, at that point, things were looking dark. There was some hope, with jobs, but nothing coming in was looking good at all. Nothing that played to strengths, or anything I'd learned at the former job. The feeling was the 6 years of life had been invalidated, completely. *shrug* It doesn't make much more sense now than it did then, but then, that's how it looked, and I swear, then it made perfect sense, akin to one of my favorite Eagles Songs "Wasted Time". A few months later, I tried to see how to get into school, under a psychology degree. Partly, because I wanted to help others. Partly because I wanted to understand myself, but that thought also scared me.
1 year ago, Gencon. I'd just not too long before moved back down here. I had lost quite a bit, and feared losing everything else..to the point it allowed me to make a bunch of stupid decisions. I was working downtown, prepping for my slate of Psych classes, and generally not real happy with a lot of things. And, before the Con, I was challenged. During the con, well, the best way to phrase it is a stupid line from "Gross Point Blanke" (think that's the proper spelling), where a character describes Shakabuku as "“a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever”, which as any who have read this in the last year know, happened. As if, after having been lost for a lot longer than I'd thought, things finally started pulling back together, and looked as if there was a light..a ways away, but a light down "thataway", somewhere.
So, even though I'm overjoyed at how Gencon is coming together, and thrilled at my own participation, and contributions, it really shouldn't come as much of a surprise that I'm a little apprehensive, too. Slight Paranoia aside, things seem to "happen" to me, via, through, thanks to, because of, at..pick any one or all...Gencon. So, in my planning, I'm partially frightened that I really don't know what I'm doing.
That's not going to stop me from moving forward with what I've learned, or trying, but, it's one of the smaller demons in my head. Like I said, I believe in the Wapsi philosophy of Demon Confrontation.
http://www.wapsisquare.com/d/20060309.html
http://www.wapsisquare.com/d/20060310.html
Trust me, I really do understand how insane some of this sounds. :-P It's just the whole thing of trying to put words to concepts and ideas.
I'm looking forward to Gencon. It's always been an adventure, whether it's trying to leave a house and get to a game you need to run in 15 minutes, through downtown traffic, and somehow making it with a minute to spare (wow, gotta love warp drive on cars), or whether it's finding the really greasy pizza place, or seeing the massive lines of people for TrueDungeon, or the new dealers in the Exhibition Hall..whatever it is, it's always moving, always going forward.
My parts of it are going to run smoothly, and if I'm really lucky on timing and contact, I'll get to talk to someone higher up in the Gencon food chain. If it happens, great, if it doesn't, ok. But, after having had my adviser say that Gencon is the type of show I will be invaluable to (due to being a gamer and understanding that side, and eventual understanding of the business 'way things work' side), I want to make more connections.
So, yeah..in one week, I'll be talking about how exhausted I am, and my classes would be starting in roughly 6 or 7 hours. But, for this week..it's Gencon.
I'll be sure to mention on here if my life changes in any big ways due to this one. :-)
I know that I'll have fun, I know it'll be a good time. I already know that I've set things up for it to be much better, mentally and every other way, than the last few.
But, as I lay awake, in this dark room, the thoughts swirl, as my brain will not allow me to sleep.
3 years ago, Gencon, I let someone back in that I swore I wouldn't. I had faith, delusional as it was, that people can change. And, that came around to bite me, opened several doors and doubts that I wasn't prepared to deal with at the time. One eventual former friend, much later, told me that she didn't know how I could deal with the karmic debt overload I'd incurred, partly from that, and partly from a few years worth of insanity later. Now, if I could have seen that the karmic comments were her own form of manipulating me, things might have been a little different. Then again, maybe not. It's mostly moot now.
2 years ago, Gencon, I had just been laid off of a job I'd been at for almost 6 years. I really don't remember 2005 Gencon that well at all. Pieces of it come back to me, mainly, the partial optimism I had, but really, at that point, things were looking dark. There was some hope, with jobs, but nothing coming in was looking good at all. Nothing that played to strengths, or anything I'd learned at the former job. The feeling was the 6 years of life had been invalidated, completely. *shrug* It doesn't make much more sense now than it did then, but then, that's how it looked, and I swear, then it made perfect sense, akin to one of my favorite Eagles Songs "Wasted Time". A few months later, I tried to see how to get into school, under a psychology degree. Partly, because I wanted to help others. Partly because I wanted to understand myself, but that thought also scared me.
1 year ago, Gencon. I'd just not too long before moved back down here. I had lost quite a bit, and feared losing everything else..to the point it allowed me to make a bunch of stupid decisions. I was working downtown, prepping for my slate of Psych classes, and generally not real happy with a lot of things. And, before the Con, I was challenged. During the con, well, the best way to phrase it is a stupid line from "Gross Point Blanke" (think that's the proper spelling), where a character describes Shakabuku as "“a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever”, which as any who have read this in the last year know, happened. As if, after having been lost for a lot longer than I'd thought, things finally started pulling back together, and looked as if there was a light..a ways away, but a light down "thataway", somewhere.
So, even though I'm overjoyed at how Gencon is coming together, and thrilled at my own participation, and contributions, it really shouldn't come as much of a surprise that I'm a little apprehensive, too. Slight Paranoia aside, things seem to "happen" to me, via, through, thanks to, because of, at..pick any one or all...Gencon. So, in my planning, I'm partially frightened that I really don't know what I'm doing.
That's not going to stop me from moving forward with what I've learned, or trying, but, it's one of the smaller demons in my head. Like I said, I believe in the Wapsi philosophy of Demon Confrontation.
http://www.wapsisquare.com/d/20060309.html
http://www.wapsisquare.com/d/20060310.html
Trust me, I really do understand how insane some of this sounds. :-P It's just the whole thing of trying to put words to concepts and ideas.
I'm looking forward to Gencon. It's always been an adventure, whether it's trying to leave a house and get to a game you need to run in 15 minutes, through downtown traffic, and somehow making it with a minute to spare (wow, gotta love warp drive on cars), or whether it's finding the really greasy pizza place, or seeing the massive lines of people for TrueDungeon, or the new dealers in the Exhibition Hall..whatever it is, it's always moving, always going forward.
My parts of it are going to run smoothly, and if I'm really lucky on timing and contact, I'll get to talk to someone higher up in the Gencon food chain. If it happens, great, if it doesn't, ok. But, after having had my adviser say that Gencon is the type of show I will be invaluable to (due to being a gamer and understanding that side, and eventual understanding of the business 'way things work' side), I want to make more connections.
So, yeah..in one week, I'll be talking about how exhausted I am, and my classes would be starting in roughly 6 or 7 hours. But, for this week..it's Gencon.
I'll be sure to mention on here if my life changes in any big ways due to this one. :-)
