(no subject)
Nov. 11th, 2006 02:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
per_soloAh, depression.
Don't think I'm in it right now, but the curse of it, and the social disconnect of being back in my hometown, makes it an ever present concern. And the paranoia of going through it, at least from my perspective, is the fear that something that powerful, that destructive, can come back.
I miss many of my friends, and the times just hanging out, but I fully fucked myself up on some of that. :-) Not trying to make light, just trying to take my responsibility for it. And if, by stating such, I make it easier on others going through depression, then I count that as a win.
It would be easier to get pissed and just find a new set of friends, or just pull into myself, in my life, and go forward, no concerns. But, the fact that I did put myself there, well, that makes things a little different, awkward. And that fact that I HAVE good friends makes it, while an uphill battle, one that's worth going through.
Several years ago, I had people who expected me to "save" them, that they felt their lives were that bad, that me, through the magical ability of being "me" could save them. And they got tired of the fact that I wouldn't (or couldn't) save them. That, as I said in delusion a few times, the first step is saving yourself. I'm still blamed for not saving them. In at least two of the cases, it falls into the "Don't blame me, you have to pull yourself out" idea. And damnit, I hate trying to put words to abstracts, without going into details. :-) I will state that as the reason why I refuse to be anyone's savior, and why people are not and cannot be mine. They offer different viewpoints, different perspectives, but none of us can really save each other at all. We merely give the tools so that others can judge, digest, and save themselves.
One case, the person stated how their life was horrible, traumatic, and how I was the way for them to be "free". And yet, 2 years later, their life is the same. Exact same. So, no cross to nail myself to for that one.
Maybe I'm the one who is crazy, truly, deeply crazy. My life is not the same as it was. I'm going in what feels like five different directions, but really, it boils down to 3 directions. And, instead of picking one, I'm still letting a few fears cloud my judgment. But, I can't let the depression that enveloped me, like a beautiful warm blanket, win by shutting myself down entirely. No, instead, the trick is to take it, and make it work FOR me again.
*grin* And yeah, I'm well aware that I said similar while in the midst of it. I have no defense, at least not any that don't sound hollow to my own ears. I will just leave it at "What I ended up going through, within myself, put me on the path I'm on", and I'm not too upset with that. Do I have regrets? FUCK yes, I'd be worse if I didn't. Would I change a few things? That gets tricker, as how much can one change, and then ruin where they are at? I don't have a good answer for that, so tend to push it aside. Do I still trust a few others? Yes and no. No better answer than that, at least not know.
But, when asked if I'm aware of what I did to my life, the broken roads, the bridges I scorched (and I really don't believe in burned bridges. If..no, that's saying too much, and almost putting blame backwards. Almost), the tensions created, however you want to express such things.
So, I guess the short of it is, yeah, I put myself here. Yes, I'm trying a varied path to get myself out. What are you doing, if you feel your life is so bad (and most people reading this don't feel that), what are you doing to improve it? To get the "golden ticket" as it were? Are you existing, or living?
Don't think I'm in it right now, but the curse of it, and the social disconnect of being back in my hometown, makes it an ever present concern. And the paranoia of going through it, at least from my perspective, is the fear that something that powerful, that destructive, can come back.
I miss many of my friends, and the times just hanging out, but I fully fucked myself up on some of that. :-) Not trying to make light, just trying to take my responsibility for it. And if, by stating such, I make it easier on others going through depression, then I count that as a win.
It would be easier to get pissed and just find a new set of friends, or just pull into myself, in my life, and go forward, no concerns. But, the fact that I did put myself there, well, that makes things a little different, awkward. And that fact that I HAVE good friends makes it, while an uphill battle, one that's worth going through.
Several years ago, I had people who expected me to "save" them, that they felt their lives were that bad, that me, through the magical ability of being "me" could save them. And they got tired of the fact that I wouldn't (or couldn't) save them. That, as I said in delusion a few times, the first step is saving yourself. I'm still blamed for not saving them. In at least two of the cases, it falls into the "Don't blame me, you have to pull yourself out" idea. And damnit, I hate trying to put words to abstracts, without going into details. :-) I will state that as the reason why I refuse to be anyone's savior, and why people are not and cannot be mine. They offer different viewpoints, different perspectives, but none of us can really save each other at all. We merely give the tools so that others can judge, digest, and save themselves.
One case, the person stated how their life was horrible, traumatic, and how I was the way for them to be "free". And yet, 2 years later, their life is the same. Exact same. So, no cross to nail myself to for that one.
Maybe I'm the one who is crazy, truly, deeply crazy. My life is not the same as it was. I'm going in what feels like five different directions, but really, it boils down to 3 directions. And, instead of picking one, I'm still letting a few fears cloud my judgment. But, I can't let the depression that enveloped me, like a beautiful warm blanket, win by shutting myself down entirely. No, instead, the trick is to take it, and make it work FOR me again.
*grin* And yeah, I'm well aware that I said similar while in the midst of it. I have no defense, at least not any that don't sound hollow to my own ears. I will just leave it at "What I ended up going through, within myself, put me on the path I'm on", and I'm not too upset with that. Do I have regrets? FUCK yes, I'd be worse if I didn't. Would I change a few things? That gets tricker, as how much can one change, and then ruin where they are at? I don't have a good answer for that, so tend to push it aside. Do I still trust a few others? Yes and no. No better answer than that, at least not know.
But, when asked if I'm aware of what I did to my life, the broken roads, the bridges I scorched (and I really don't believe in burned bridges. If..no, that's saying too much, and almost putting blame backwards. Almost), the tensions created, however you want to express such things.
So, I guess the short of it is, yeah, I put myself here. Yes, I'm trying a varied path to get myself out. What are you doing, if you feel your life is so bad (and most people reading this don't feel that), what are you doing to improve it? To get the "golden ticket" as it were? Are you existing, or living?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-12 01:36 pm (UTC)As for regrets, I personally don't have regrets in life. I may feel sorry for a short time for an act or action, but every single act and action place you on the path your on today. Even a slightest different step can change everything.
I'm happy to hear that you're going with Bear to Roger's class on Wednesday. I know that you're going to have a good time there, and its a good class to explore yourself in. You won't be sorry you went, and hopefully you'll decide to take it later.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-13 01:56 pm (UTC)I have a weird set of regrets. And it's hard to describe/explain those. Usually, they revolve on getting trapped in the way my head works at times, when I know it should work better. But, "it's just a ride", and ultimately getting me somewhere.
*nod* I'm looking forward to Roger's class, if I can justify taking it when I transition to searching for full degree seeking mode.
How is your trip so far?
no subject
Date: 2006-11-12 04:37 pm (UTC)in other news denise quit. more on that later.