(no subject)
Nov. 17th, 2006 10:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
per_soloNo, no particular reason for this, but this post has been coming for a bit. :-P
To any who feel I may be harboring a grudge? To any perceived wrongs you think I may be holding you accountable for?
I forgive you.
Step better, for my demons, the path I've been down, the path it's ever leading me towards? I forgive myself.
Yes, some will likely see me swing back and forth. Am I scared? Yes. This is not an easy call (the leaving the job and committing to school full time, as opposed to half-ass as I've been trying to pull off).
The reasons? Plentiful. I want the cert, at the very least. The degree? Will be even better.
It was told to me last night, by one of the people higher up here, that there is a position within the City/County, called a Business Relationship Manager. A person who acts as an interface between end users and techs/outside folks. A translator. And wheras that doesn't fit in now, that if things don't work out, I should consider coming back here and looking into that position.
And yeah, that position sounds pretty good, but it's not where I'm going right now. If school doesn't work as I want it to? Part time bartending or whatever doesn't work as I think it will? Then I'll re-evaluate that then.
Adaptibility. Not just accepting one thing, but seeing the many possibilities and alternatives out there. And to some who saw me downward spiral, saw just how bad the demons in my head could immobilize, terrify, and paralyze me, that fluctuation in thought, and adapting, seems too similar to old habits. I'm in the middle of it, and that same thought has hit me, a few times. BUT, I know that I'm doing this right.
One, the two week notice here. That has burned no bridges, at least none that they are making me aware of (we'll find out later tonite. Office Space Fridays have me on edge a little).
Two. This FEELS right. For the first time in a while, this feels like the exact right decision, at the exact right time. And I can't make anyone understand that. The only ones that will? Have been through similar (and as I think, that number might be higher than I think).
Three. This goes to a more psychological impact. For months upward to a year, I've put myself heavily into victim mode. The varied things that "happened" to me. ABG, Anthem, the other things going on. By actually choosing to choose? To make that choice to get out of a job I don't enjoy a whole lot, to go towards where I want to be? Good or bad, that's my choice. No one else is placing me here, and no one else is "doing" this to me. And again, I can't make people understand that in my head, but it was something I chose to do.
and I almost typed that as "had" to do, but that's a bullshit answer. You don't HAVE to do anything (well, ok, except for breathing), but choosing. Taking control. That makes the difference.
Making sense? No idea. Things are in fluctuation, I'm embarking on a few different paths. Do I want to see myself open up a business? Yes, but right now, that's impractical. Do I want to move back into another place? An Apt. or a House even? Yes, as well. But, those are not feasible options while I'm trying to do the school thing. With more thinking, more pathways, maybe that'll change. But if not, that's the sacrifice required at this time.
To any who feel I may be harboring a grudge? To any perceived wrongs you think I may be holding you accountable for?
I forgive you.
Step better, for my demons, the path I've been down, the path it's ever leading me towards? I forgive myself.
Yes, some will likely see me swing back and forth. Am I scared? Yes. This is not an easy call (the leaving the job and committing to school full time, as opposed to half-ass as I've been trying to pull off).
The reasons? Plentiful. I want the cert, at the very least. The degree? Will be even better.
It was told to me last night, by one of the people higher up here, that there is a position within the City/County, called a Business Relationship Manager. A person who acts as an interface between end users and techs/outside folks. A translator. And wheras that doesn't fit in now, that if things don't work out, I should consider coming back here and looking into that position.
And yeah, that position sounds pretty good, but it's not where I'm going right now. If school doesn't work as I want it to? Part time bartending or whatever doesn't work as I think it will? Then I'll re-evaluate that then.
Adaptibility. Not just accepting one thing, but seeing the many possibilities and alternatives out there. And to some who saw me downward spiral, saw just how bad the demons in my head could immobilize, terrify, and paralyze me, that fluctuation in thought, and adapting, seems too similar to old habits. I'm in the middle of it, and that same thought has hit me, a few times. BUT, I know that I'm doing this right.
One, the two week notice here. That has burned no bridges, at least none that they are making me aware of (we'll find out later tonite. Office Space Fridays have me on edge a little).
Two. This FEELS right. For the first time in a while, this feels like the exact right decision, at the exact right time. And I can't make anyone understand that. The only ones that will? Have been through similar (and as I think, that number might be higher than I think).
Three. This goes to a more psychological impact. For months upward to a year, I've put myself heavily into victim mode. The varied things that "happened" to me. ABG, Anthem, the other things going on. By actually choosing to choose? To make that choice to get out of a job I don't enjoy a whole lot, to go towards where I want to be? Good or bad, that's my choice. No one else is placing me here, and no one else is "doing" this to me. And again, I can't make people understand that in my head, but it was something I chose to do.
and I almost typed that as "had" to do, but that's a bullshit answer. You don't HAVE to do anything (well, ok, except for breathing), but choosing. Taking control. That makes the difference.
Making sense? No idea. Things are in fluctuation, I'm embarking on a few different paths. Do I want to see myself open up a business? Yes, but right now, that's impractical. Do I want to move back into another place? An Apt. or a House even? Yes, as well. But, those are not feasible options while I'm trying to do the school thing. With more thinking, more pathways, maybe that'll change. But if not, that's the sacrifice required at this time.
