Argh. Whiny post below. You've been warned.

[per_solo]

Yeah, I used to joke that if I wanted to be tested, I'd go back to school.

Today, a friend who has been looking out for me said that he thinks that, finally, his co-worker whom he despises is likely putting in his notice.

Tech support job. Basically, exactly what I was doing before.

Months ago (he first was telling me about this last March, which was one of the things that led to the March-July haze that led to what some have called my nervous breakdown. I've been tagging as the deepest the depression well got), but yeah, months ago, he was telling me that the co-worker was ready to leave, and all he needed was to know so he could get my resume. While at Anthem, then while at City/County, it was a constant "I don't know why he hasn't put in his notice yet.."

So, now the notice is going in. His comment today was "It'd have been nice had he done this BEFORE you got back in school full time."

Yeah. No shit. Now I have the conflicting "You COULD have pieces of that old life back" versus the "You're on a better path now, you just need to be patient". Ya know, the old life that was broken, even before it crashed down around me, and I just sat back and let it, nay, encouraged it.

I'm now conflicted in my head again, after having been better, for a while now. It's the old familiar "for every step forward, you take two backwards", which really has to be closer to 3 steps forward, one step back now. So, does that mean I'm fine and good with a path, so long as I'm not challenged on it? That's not exactly a good place to be. That's more avoidance.

Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck. "I'm not even supposed to be here today". Sorry, the quote just showed up in my head.

Patience. This, too, shall pass.

The decision would be easier, in my head, if it had come during December (before I'd scheduled classes), or after this semester is over. As is, I know that I'm staying in school. I just hate that feeling of a lack of choice on this. Which again, falls down to bullshit. I could choose to flush the money I've spent on school. But I'm not going to.

Yeah, I want to. Anyone who has had pieces, or vast segments, of life fall down around them can identify with that massive desire to go back to what was easy, what was comfortable.

The transference anger and helplessness is kicking in again. And I'm fighting it, again.

Just needed to vent a little. I would say that I've been trying to keep the LJ from being that for me, but really, it's not been a big issue of late. I am on a good path, that will make me happier eventually. For that, I have to be ready for when a curve ball gets thrown my way. If it were easy, it wouldn't be life.

Comments

[thedruidbear.livejournal.com]

Uh...dude... it is no longer a choice, or an option or whatever. If it HAD fallen before, say in Dec, or later, after the school semester was over, then it would have been a choice. However, at this moment in time, there is nothing to choose. And, besides, you already made a choice to complete school (not an easy task or choice). Finish that path before you think about skipping to another.

Peace,

Bear

[per_solo]

*nod* Kinda what I've come to (and class today was good, too). The problem is that when things like this happen? I have to vent them, lest they occupy too much in my brain.

I'm sure there's a psych term for that, too. :-)

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

you made a choice, you're not stuck with it. you're never stuck with anything, the choice may not be great but there's always a choice. remember that.


on the bright side, doing dinner with defixione and goldstep tomorrow. more than welcome to join.

[per_solo]

Thanks.

And thanks again. Would join, but I'll be gaming. Next time, for sure.

And tell Defixione abuot the opening at City/County. If he's not locked, he may politely inquire about it. :-)

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

he actually got the clarian job. think he's pretty psyched about it. i'll let him know.

[per_solo]

Ok, that works too. Woohoo!

[the-pixie.livejournal.com]

Ok.. Let me put this to you in pixie language... I know you're just venting here because a somewhat dull shiney thing was placed in front of you begging you to place it in your pocket...although, go back and read your posts from when you were doing tech support and you'll realize that the somewhat shiney school decision is already in your pocket taking up the majority of the room.. And if you take it out and examine it, you'll see that it has many more facets than the IT tech support object, meaning that it will sparkle brighter after work has been put into it to clean it up and will produce more sparkly opportunities for you once you're complete with that task. You could always put the IT object in your pocket (or even break off a chunk of the school object and place it in your pocket with the IT object thus causing your pocket to be brimming full with little room to put much else in), but it's your decision on which you think you'll be most happy with in your pocket in the end...

[per_solo]

Good translation, and a way that I had started to look at it.

The school gives me many more options, in the future. Hence why the decision is made, it's just the human condition of "but.." that I run into, on occasion.

Life is...a work in progress. :-) Thanks.

[the-pixie.livejournal.com]

Silly humans.... Goodness knows a but(t) doesn't sparkle! :D

[per_solo]

*lol* Need to "bare" that thought in mind. :-P

[goldstep.livejournal.com]

If you figure out how to not look back and ask, am I doing the right thing or what if I had done this, please tell me.
I guess I'm saying, you aren't alone there.

[per_solo]

*nod* I gathered that. The trick, I'm finding, is to just acknowledge that it is there, it will be there, and that the path you're on is the one that works, until it doesn't.

If I find any great secret about it, I'll pass it along. :-)