Hate.

[per_solo]

Bit on my mind, but big shocker there. :-P

Classes are going. Yesterday, screwed up on of the classwork problems (Damn forgetting to pay employee wages), but got the other two, and quicker than most in the class. Accounting scares me...much like the first problem, you make one small mistake, forget one entry, and it throws everything off.

Convention is NEXT week. And, much like this entire month, the convention and my past have me rethinking varied things. Friends, former friends, former acquaintances..

I feel sorry for several people that I know or have known. But, there is a difference between feeling sorry, and hatred. I don't know that I "truly" hate anyone. I've tried it before, and it never takes..at least, not for very long.

People are who they are. And much as I put here a few times during the year I lost my mind, we all make the same mistakes. Stupid, flawed, human, self-centered..sometimes those mistakes come back and bite us. Sometimes they work in our favor.

Are there people that "hate" me for mistakes I've made? Maybe. Do I "hate" others for mistakes they've made, or twisted? No. In some cases, I pity the traps they've laid for themselves, that they trap themselves into. Then again, I sometimes pity the traps I've laid for myself before.

I guess, and Randy is as much to blame for this as anything or anyone else, I hate missed potential. And that makes it very hard for me not to meddle. It's a finely honed skill, however. Others' lives are their own, in many cases to make the mistakes they want to make, or to miss things they want to miss.

And I've done similar. *shrugs*

Last year, I was told by an instructor that I was very good at pattern recognition. And some of that is innate, some of it isn't..some of it I've actually had to work at. And none of it works if I blind myself to patterns. Some things we see, some we don't see, and some we actively ignore.

Again, human.

So, no, at this point in my life, I don't hate anyone. And I try very, VERY hard not to pity anyone, though that one is harder not to do. Again, part of the whole "Losing someone and realizing that life, though painful, chaotic, disorderly...etc..is really a gift, even when it can be a curse". The "worst" I can do to anyone that I "should hate" would be to nothing them. Thanks to Scrubs for that term.

I'll be better, in a few weeks. The stuff in the forefront of my brain will recede back into the corners, to just subtly nudge me at times. But for now, it is in my head, at the forefront.

Comments

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

an important to remember is that hate only affects the person who's doing the hating not the person being hated on. if that makes sense.

hope all gets better and in an effort to help, a happy thought:

willow in her parka at the cultural dance trying to shrug. :)

[crysthewolf.livejournal.com]

Actually, when someone hates me, it affects me quite a bit.

I think a lot of people don't really want to admit how much it affects them when they feel as though someone hates them. But I'm affected. It affects the Cosmos, I think. *shrug*

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

that's a way to view and i'm a big proponent of the energy you send out you get back and energy put out can be felt by others. there's is the notion of we only are affected by the things we let affect us. still i believe the effects you might feel are small in comparison to effects on the perspective, health and total being of those doing the hating.