(no subject)

[per_solo]

*sigh*

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, there are still things that can drive me to near rage at just how ridiculously petty and manipulative we, as human beings, can be.

I play off that I'm much more zen than that. Because, really, there is a small number of things I can affect for the better, a small number of people I can help. The majority, however, won't be helped. It's just how people tend to be. They usually can only be helped in the "Well, what can you do for ME?" way.

Convenience..when ultimately, human relationships/friendships/connections are anything but.

That irritates me. Especially as I know I've been there before. We all make mistakes, and always will, and usually all it takes to really hose us is someone we let get "in" to the core of our being. After that, all bets are off. Maybe Gaiman was right, with "Desire", as Desire can mean a lot more than just a physical/romantic longing..

There are three people in the world I cannot forgive, or maybe it's that I can "forgive", but not "forget". I can hope the best for them, but forgiving/forgetting requires an amount of faith that they will not get into my life and fuck me (or those I care for) over again. For many, that faith isn't a big deal..I've very much, in the past, been of the "Ok, everyone can improve and be better than they are, and ultimately be who they believe they can be", very much a pollyanna-ish approach to how people SHOULD and COULD be, without a whole lot of paying attention to how they actually are.

So, that means in the past I've been a lot more of a trusting fool than I should be.

And, damnit, not all of that fool is gone. I wish him to be on some days, but he keeps popping up, when I least expect, just a cheerful little smile and an optimistic comment. *sigh* And then, something pops up to remind me, or point out how he is wrong. But, there are days where he is actually fairly accurate in his assesment.

We, as people, are some of the most self-centered, and vain creatures, ever. But, where do we go from optimistically believing in people, to making sure that those who have burned us don't get the opportunity again? Where is the division between believing that anyone can overcome who they used to be (because really, it CAN happen..it just takes extraordinary circumstance), and not seeing things that aren't there?

Self-delusion is powerful tool as well. Which, of course, just makes me think of the "Rationalizations are more important than sex" line from "The Big Chill".

I have no answers to this, if I did, I get the feeling I'd be rolling in the big money. Instead, I'm here when I should be sleeping, trying to ponder imponderables.

Comments

[kendokamel.livejournal.com]

So, that means in the past I've been a lot more of a trusting fool than I should be.
As have I... /:

[per_solo]

Yeah, but the trick is we all do, and always will. Otherwise, we become a bit inhuman. But, we make good decisions in there, too.

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

i'll put this out there. forgiveness has almost nothing to do with the person you're forgiving. it has to do with letting go of what happened, not saying it was right but letting go and saying that you won't let it control you anymore. because by not forgiving or as you say forgiving but not forgetting you hold on to the anger and resentment. and really it doesn't affect the other person at all. it only affects you. by letting go you release all the negative energy and can recoup, heal and learn the lessons you were supposed to learn.


anger and resentment will only hurt YOU. make YOU hurt and sick. this doesn't mean you have to let them back in, this doesn't mean you even have to be around them. it just means you have to say this will not control me any longer.

remember there are people in your life who love you and are here for you. focus on that. see that. then maybe it'll be easier to let this all go.

[per_solo]

Ah, but letting go of learning experiences does allow you to be used, over and over and over again. I understand forgiveness, and not letting others who don't deserve it have that power over me, but it feels like losing the lesson to just drop all of that. Whether it be negative, positive, or as most things, very very grey.

There are, and no matter what, there always will be people who love me and help me. I can see that crystal clear, but it's more of seeing others going through the same thing, and that's what bothers me more. The people who are truly big on manipulating others, just so they can get their own way, or feel that their conscience is clear even with hurting massive amounts of people..those are the ones who bother me the most, and the ones I absolutely don't want to see harm myself or those I care about.

Resentment for most is mostly gone..Anger? Only at the fact that people get away with it. Ultimately, it only affects me in how I react to them. But, there is a concept that I am increasingly finding a lack of words for that drives this. :-)

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

letting go of the event doesn't mean letting go of the lesson. in many ways it makes the lesson clearer, sometimes the lesson we think we were supposed to learn isn't the real lesson.


the best thing to do for those who are going through the same thing is just be there. give advice and then let them handle it. taking on anger for them or frustration again only hurts you. and i'm positive they wouldn't want that.

people like you described will almost always exist because, at least in my opinion, never truly understand what power and life are about. the best we can do is try to understand why they're like that, believe there reasons for it, and learn.


not sure i could help with naming the concept...

[ladyofglass.livejournal.com]

*nods* Uh-huh.

;)

I don't know where that line is. I trust people as much as they give me reason to trust them, and generally not much more or much less. Sometimes I need to give them a little more and I do, and if they betray me, it's their bad.

I guess that's where I am. A friend of mine told me that I should be more careful about letting anyone into my life and loving anyone the way that I love people. I told him, "Sorry, I can't do that. That's letting the bad guys win." I realized once upon a time that I had two choices... I could let the assholes make me bitter and lonely, or I could cry over them, grieve over them, and then go on, and try to recognize them quicker next time.

I still get hurt. I'll always get hurt. People will still surprise me, I'm sure. But I won't get surprised in the same way I've been surprised before. Manipulative asshole? I know what you look like. Delusional asshole? I've got your number now.

You know what I mean?

I just trust myself, above all, and trust my gut when it comes to trusting others. I'm not always right, but I generally know what's best for me and have my own best interests in mind more than anyone else. ;)