Confession Time.
Dec. 8th, 2004 07:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
per_soloI'm a smoker.
I don't want to be. I've been a smoker about 4 years. I've lied about it, a lot, and lied to myself about it. And I've gone to great lengths to keep it "my dirty secret".
I have tried to quit, by weening, and that's worked to a small degree, until high stress situations have crept up. Then it's back to smoking more. Only once have I done drinking instead due to high stress, because I've always worried that if I could smoke, and lie about it so easily, then I had serious worries on drinking to the point of alcoholism. Hell, I had serious worries that if I could lie so easily about that, what couldn't I lie about?
This is one of the reasons I've wanted to see a psychologist. I don't want to be this fractured, lying thing. I don't want to hurt friends by lying about it, or insult their intelligence anymore, either.
Yes, this is partial angst, but it's as noted above, more about confession. One of the things I've read, for as long as I've been alive, is that you have a major problem, and can't fix it, until you can admit it. Of course, the big fear is that I'm broken enough to not be fixable. Every site I've ever gone to, to read about this, says that the return rate of smokers is insanely high.
I've also been scared that, with already having weird emotional issues, that trying to detox will make the mood swings that much worse. And my mood swings in the last few months have been no picnic.
I need to see results. Something tangible to be able to point to, or I get the illusion that I'm not changing at all. And maybe I haven't. But I want to. To that effect, I've got a Calendar, and will be marking off "sober" days.
I don't want to be. I've been a smoker about 4 years. I've lied about it, a lot, and lied to myself about it. And I've gone to great lengths to keep it "my dirty secret".
I have tried to quit, by weening, and that's worked to a small degree, until high stress situations have crept up. Then it's back to smoking more. Only once have I done drinking instead due to high stress, because I've always worried that if I could smoke, and lie about it so easily, then I had serious worries on drinking to the point of alcoholism. Hell, I had serious worries that if I could lie so easily about that, what couldn't I lie about?
This is one of the reasons I've wanted to see a psychologist. I don't want to be this fractured, lying thing. I don't want to hurt friends by lying about it, or insult their intelligence anymore, either.
Yes, this is partial angst, but it's as noted above, more about confession. One of the things I've read, for as long as I've been alive, is that you have a major problem, and can't fix it, until you can admit it. Of course, the big fear is that I'm broken enough to not be fixable. Every site I've ever gone to, to read about this, says that the return rate of smokers is insanely high.
I've also been scared that, with already having weird emotional issues, that trying to detox will make the mood swings that much worse. And my mood swings in the last few months have been no picnic.
I need to see results. Something tangible to be able to point to, or I get the illusion that I'm not changing at all. And maybe I haven't. But I want to. To that effect, I've got a Calendar, and will be marking off "sober" days.
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 01:09 pm (UTC)Another problem with starting to smoke is that it is an addictive substance. I've never smoked, but having spoken with many smokers, and those who have given it up, what I have been told is that it supposably relaxes you and you end up craving it during stressful times. Bear smoked *YEARS* ago when he was younger. He gave it up cold turkey, but says that in times of stress he still gets urges to smoke (and this is over 20 years ago that he gave it up). He fights those urges though, because he knows that if he goes back to them they will take over. The best thing to do is find an alternative means for releaving stress...be it meditation, exercise, reading, massages, talking to friends and/or a therapist, chewing on your pencil, or a combination of things.
You're doing a great job now by admitting your problem and marking days off your calendar. It's a fantastic way for you to see the progress you're making. Also think of all of the money you're saving by not smoking and the rewards you can be getting with the money you've save (be this either paying bills on time and/or buying yourself a little something special).
(hugs)