Confession Time.

[per_solo]

I'm a smoker.

I don't want to be. I've been a smoker about 4 years. I've lied about it, a lot, and lied to myself about it. And I've gone to great lengths to keep it "my dirty secret".

I have tried to quit, by weening, and that's worked to a small degree, until high stress situations have crept up. Then it's back to smoking more. Only once have I done drinking instead due to high stress, because I've always worried that if I could smoke, and lie about it so easily, then I had serious worries on drinking to the point of alcoholism. Hell, I had serious worries that if I could lie so easily about that, what couldn't I lie about?

This is one of the reasons I've wanted to see a psychologist. I don't want to be this fractured, lying thing. I don't want to hurt friends by lying about it, or insult their intelligence anymore, either.

Yes, this is partial angst, but it's as noted above, more about confession. One of the things I've read, for as long as I've been alive, is that you have a major problem, and can't fix it, until you can admit it. Of course, the big fear is that I'm broken enough to not be fixable. Every site I've ever gone to, to read about this, says that the return rate of smokers is insanely high.

I've also been scared that, with already having weird emotional issues, that trying to detox will make the mood swings that much worse. And my mood swings in the last few months have been no picnic.

I need to see results. Something tangible to be able to point to, or I get the illusion that I'm not changing at all. And maybe I haven't. But I want to. To that effect, I've got a Calendar, and will be marking off "sober" days.

Comments

[thedruidbear.livejournal.com]

Realize that smoking is introducing drugs (and toxins) into your system which affect the cheistry of your brain. Now, did you ever stop to think that the mood swings MAY be cuased by an imbalance of brain chemistry and that smoking MAY be a cause of (or at least, by enhancing) those changes?

The easiest way to quit is to admit that you have a problem and just quit. Look for support where needed. You don't see an alcoholic say, "I'll just wean my self off by drinking less and less". They quit cold turkey.

Easier said than done? Nope. Thousands do it. Need more proof? I admit, I was young when I started, but I quit cold turkey a long time ago. And yes, every once in a while, I still get a craving; but I know what I am doing to myself (and to those around me) and I make a choice to not smoke. It all comes down to a choice and wether you are strong enough to make it.

Good luck,

Bear

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

have to agree. my mom quit after developing lymphoma and recovering from it. she's been cigarette free as long as she's been in remission. which is like sixteen years or so now. so it can be done.

[kack.livejournal.com]

Like we didn't know! The sooner you stop the better. I watched my mother die of lung cancer - I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

[indyellen.livejournal.com]

I know of very few people who are so "broken" that they can't be fixed. And frankly, I doubt you're one of them. But I understand the needing tangible results, I understand the mood swings, too.

You know what? I little angst isn't automatically a bad thing, either. We all need it from time to time. And if you want to see something about changes, feel free to go back in my LJ & look at some of my posts from 2002...

Anyway, here however you need, dude.

Lost related not post but thought you'd want to know

[confusedjew.livejournal.com]

next wednesday abc is showing the first two hours of lost starting at eight. thouhgt you'd be interested.

[mooncat75.livejournal.com]

No one is 'unfixable' unless they want to be. I don't have any personal experience with addiction, but I do know about psychologists, psychiatrists, mood swings, and chemical imbalances. Remember, your friends are here to help.

Supportt

[katmandu07.livejournal.com]

If you need a friend to talk to, you know my number...*hugs*

[the-pixie.livejournal.com]

Per, as with anything, there is no way that you can give it up unless you ABSOLUTELY want to. The problem is that you can give it up and see results, but when you're in a time of stress, you have to FIGHT the urge to not smoke in order not to do it. If you are not absolutely committeed to it, you will end up going back to it.

Another problem with starting to smoke is that it is an addictive substance. I've never smoked, but having spoken with many smokers, and those who have given it up, what I have been told is that it supposably relaxes you and you end up craving it during stressful times. Bear smoked *YEARS* ago when he was younger. He gave it up cold turkey, but says that in times of stress he still gets urges to smoke (and this is over 20 years ago that he gave it up). He fights those urges though, because he knows that if he goes back to them they will take over. The best thing to do is find an alternative means for releaving stress...be it meditation, exercise, reading, massages, talking to friends and/or a therapist, chewing on your pencil, or a combination of things.

You're doing a great job now by admitting your problem and marking days off your calendar. It's a fantastic way for you to see the progress you're making. Also think of all of the money you're saving by not smoking and the rewards you can be getting with the money you've save (be this either paying bills on time and/or buying yourself a little something special).

(hugs)

[savidya.livejournal.com]

Nice Icon....my kitten has never looked more...evil.

[per_solo]

Thank you for the picture. :-) It looks good up there.

[mooncat75.livejournal.com]

"Now playing at the Springfield Drive-In...'The Bloodening'...'What's that Dolly? You want me to kill Mommy?'...la la la la la" Sorry, that's what the glowing blue eyes remind me of...