Confession Time.
Dec. 8th, 2004 07:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
per_soloI'm a smoker.
I don't want to be. I've been a smoker about 4 years. I've lied about it, a lot, and lied to myself about it. And I've gone to great lengths to keep it "my dirty secret".
I have tried to quit, by weening, and that's worked to a small degree, until high stress situations have crept up. Then it's back to smoking more. Only once have I done drinking instead due to high stress, because I've always worried that if I could smoke, and lie about it so easily, then I had serious worries on drinking to the point of alcoholism. Hell, I had serious worries that if I could lie so easily about that, what couldn't I lie about?
This is one of the reasons I've wanted to see a psychologist. I don't want to be this fractured, lying thing. I don't want to hurt friends by lying about it, or insult their intelligence anymore, either.
Yes, this is partial angst, but it's as noted above, more about confession. One of the things I've read, for as long as I've been alive, is that you have a major problem, and can't fix it, until you can admit it. Of course, the big fear is that I'm broken enough to not be fixable. Every site I've ever gone to, to read about this, says that the return rate of smokers is insanely high.
I've also been scared that, with already having weird emotional issues, that trying to detox will make the mood swings that much worse. And my mood swings in the last few months have been no picnic.
I need to see results. Something tangible to be able to point to, or I get the illusion that I'm not changing at all. And maybe I haven't. But I want to. To that effect, I've got a Calendar, and will be marking off "sober" days.
I don't want to be. I've been a smoker about 4 years. I've lied about it, a lot, and lied to myself about it. And I've gone to great lengths to keep it "my dirty secret".
I have tried to quit, by weening, and that's worked to a small degree, until high stress situations have crept up. Then it's back to smoking more. Only once have I done drinking instead due to high stress, because I've always worried that if I could smoke, and lie about it so easily, then I had serious worries on drinking to the point of alcoholism. Hell, I had serious worries that if I could lie so easily about that, what couldn't I lie about?
This is one of the reasons I've wanted to see a psychologist. I don't want to be this fractured, lying thing. I don't want to hurt friends by lying about it, or insult their intelligence anymore, either.
Yes, this is partial angst, but it's as noted above, more about confession. One of the things I've read, for as long as I've been alive, is that you have a major problem, and can't fix it, until you can admit it. Of course, the big fear is that I'm broken enough to not be fixable. Every site I've ever gone to, to read about this, says that the return rate of smokers is insanely high.
I've also been scared that, with already having weird emotional issues, that trying to detox will make the mood swings that much worse. And my mood swings in the last few months have been no picnic.
I need to see results. Something tangible to be able to point to, or I get the illusion that I'm not changing at all. And maybe I haven't. But I want to. To that effect, I've got a Calendar, and will be marking off "sober" days.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-12 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-12 06:16 pm (UTC)